I never really planned to start a self portrait project…..It kind of just found me.

On the days when my joints feel heavy from the pain of rheumatoid arthritis, sitting in front of my lens gives me strength.  On days when I fear that I will one day loose the ability to hold my camera, letting this fear reflect through the mirrors of my camera lightens me.

Most days, even the days that physically hurt, I feel happy.  On those days, I never feel the need to sit in front of my camera.  My mind and my camera instead are faced outward, taking in all the beauty around me.

But from time to time, I allow myself to feel the depth of this disease, and I allow in the fear of what it is doing to my body.

On those days, my camera is my therapy, and this outward expression of my emotions, my medicine.

As with a long hot shower or a warm cup of tea, when I get the shot I want, I feel better.  I feel lighter.  I feel ready to move forward.

Sometimes I think I’m done with my self portrait project….sometimes I want it to be done.  But, I know the reality is that it will never have an end.  For there will always be that day – the day when I am filled with fear, or pain or sadness, and I will know where to turn.

I will turn to the sharp contrast of light and dark, to the quick click of the shutter….and the lightness I know will come from letting go and letting my camera carry the burden of my fear.